Expat extremes

One of the defining characteristics of being an expatriate is the transient nature of your life. What I mean by this is that people are always coming – arriving for a new job on a short or long-term contract – or going – reaching the end of their stint in their temporarily adopted homeland. This has benefits in that you are constantly meeting new, interesting people who have left the comforts of their hometown and own country to experience the wonders of the bigger world and where every day brings a new challenge. Business contacts are made and built up, if that's your thing. This is especially true in Vietnam where “expect the unexpected” should be the official expatriate motto! On the other hand, this transitory lifestyle means that often just as you are getting to know someone and are becoming good friends, either you or them are leaving. It does prevent you sometimes from getting close to people as you often wonder "what's the point?". The life of an expat involves numerous farewell parties and teary send-offs, with promises of "I'll visit you here", or "Let's meet up there", made in earnestness but most often strewn by the wayside of life's busy, well-trodden road.

 In my six-years or so of living abroad - only a 2 or 3 on the expat-experi-o-meter - I’ve had both the ups and downs and have also noticed the very different labels stuck on and boxes people are neatly, but more often untidly stuffed in. This labeling is something I firmly don't believe in, but will attempt to provide my view on the spectrum of expatriatism in Vietnam of which I will try to show the two extremes.

Meet Arthur. On the one extreme , Arthur's the kind of expat the other kind is always joking about over a cheap beer on an even cheaper plastic chair. He’s the guy who lives in his expat bubble in his company-paid villa in Phu My Hung or compound in An Phu. Watching TV shows from home on his plasma flat screen, Arthur rarely leaves the comforts of his villa, and only ventures forth to walk his purebred husky. which he will have to try and sell or give away when his “stint in ‘Nam” is up - "because you, no Western country will receive a dog filled with heaven knows what third-world parasites".  This walk is filled with annoyances - the unbearable heat or incessant, "unpredictable" rain, and taxi driver's trying to hail his attention. If he runs out of milk, he doesn't wander down to the shop - he asks his live-in maid/cook what he pays her a three million VND a month for and sends her down to the shop and reminds her not to forget the receipts (because he has a sneaky suspicion she may be fudging the expenses and stealing from him, but he can't prove it yet)

Arthur has made no attempt to engage in the culture or learn the language, except for the few phrases (in completely the wrong tones) he uses to impress foreign visitors when he takes them for a "cultural tour" around Bến Thành Market or directs his driver to turn quẹo phải or quẹo trái, .   Arthur’s chauffeur drives him to work every day and he only knows a smattering of street names in District 1 like Lê Lợi or Đồng Khởi, as these are where his offices are. He may know where Bến Thành Market is, but ask Arthur where  Bà Chiểu or Dân Sinh markets are and he will stare at you blankly saying his driver will know so no there is no need to learn such insignificant details. Throw him in the middle of Gò Vấp or Tân Phú Districts without his driver, and he will have a nervous breakdown, trying to find a Mai Linh taxi as quick as possible (because the other companies all rip off foreigners, you know, and don't speak English, and besides, he has company a taxi card). 

Arthur has tried phở once or twice, but only at Pho 24 where it is clean, and the suggestion of trying it on the side of the street is just appalling to him. How unhygienic!  Buying a coffee off the street is the scariest. Do you know how or where that ice was made? Mostly, he only orders Western delivery or eats at high-end Western restaurants and occasionally tries Asian food when entertaining business guests, but only in immaculate, air-conditioned surroundings like the Khaisilk group of restaurants. When his one or two-year contract in Vietnam is up, he’ll have some fond memories – mostly of Chamber of Commerce cocktail parties, five-star resorts and good rounds of golf up and down the east coast. Arthur will not know much about the real Vietnam, the people, the culture, the language, but he will feel pleased for his experience in this “hardship post” that his company forced him into, and the kudos this stint would get him around the tie-and-jacket dinner party tables in Hong Kong or Dubai. 

On the other extreme is Jimmy; the expat who assimilates or goes as local as possible. He shares a small apartment or rents a room from a Vietnamese family in District 12 or District 10 for around $100 a month and complains that his rent is too high, and that he shouldn’t be asked “Western prices” because “he’s not a tây ba lô”. Jimmy sneers at foreigners who drive motorbikes that are fancier than a Honda Wave, as this is wasting money - showing off and rubbing their wealth in the poor's faces - and he often makes derogatory jokes about Western tourists himself. He eats at the local cơm bình dân daily for under a dollar, hanging out at a bia hơi, quán nhậu or a nearby coffeeshop with his local friends at the weekend and he feels a bit uncomfortable and alienated when he has to hang out with other foreigners, as "we have nothing in common". 

Of course, Jimmy speaks fluent Vietnamese, even knows how to nói lái and knows Vietnamese idioms, endlessly impressing his friends and other Vietnamese, when he busts out his Southern-accented slang. Jimmy knows the latest log standing of the V-league by heart and argues with his friend over whether Becamex Bình Dương can reclaim their former glory. He only shops at the local fresh market and detests driving into District 1. He prefers a weekend away in Vũng Tàu or Bến Tre, fishing, playing cards and drinking shots of rice wine with his girlfriend's uncles than spending too much money at a tourist resort in Mui Ne or a shopping holiday in Hoi An. Jimmy is always arguing with his Vietnamese girlfriend over where the best bowl of hủ tiếu Nam Vang or cháo lòng can be found, and loves the taste of all the things foreigners usually detest, like durian or mắm tôm. He knows all the Vietnamese musicians that are cool at the moment as well as the actors and actresses, and he watched some Korean soapies, but only during the week as he works all weekend at a local English centre.

Of course, these two fictional expats are the exaggerated extremes at both ends of life in Vietnam, and 99% of us are somewhere in between – mostly crowded around the 50% mark. Whatever the case may be, I think all of us can find some resonance in these characters and wherever expat life may take you, there will always be a Jimmy and an Arthur is some shape or form.

Originally written for Doanh Nhân Sài Gòn - March 2012

Come rain. Or shine.

As an expat living in Vietnam, there are a number of subjects that inevitably arise when talking to other long-term foreigners living here. I’ve compiled a mental list of the top, and sometimes most tedious, subjects expats in Vietnam talk about. I think at this time of year, the weather is probably right up there near the pinnacle. Put it like this, if "expat talk" was Twitter, #rain, #weather, #wet would be trending.

As I sit here in my air-conditioned office, I dread the idea of going downstairs to the canteen for lunch – plainly because it’s absolutely blistering hot outside. And as we know, this heat is a precursor - a sign of things to come, more specifically, of rain. Lots and lots of rain, like pats of warm butter dropped from above. Driving around on your motorbike in this rain is akin to being caught in a battle where big, fat globules are hurled like water balloons from the sky by mischievous gods attacking the mere mortals below.

I’ve been throwing furtive glances at the sky for the last few weeks – looking for that dark presence of a thundercloud on the horizon. Sniffing the air for signs of moisture. I thought Tropical Cyclone Pakhar was it.Watching how high and low the dragonflies are zooming about, estimating their trajectory against the horizon with my thumb and forefinger, squinting through one eye.

This is because it is that time of year when we expats start getting itchy. Very itchy and incredibly nervous. Let me explain why. At this time of year, we start playing a game of one-upmanship with each other by trying to predict when the “rainy season” will actually begin. The winner is recognized to have superior knowledge regarding not only Vietnam’s climatic patterns, but also all things “expatness”.  That's the prize. For the rest of the year, everything this expat says will be taken as the truth and cannot be questioned by other foreigners. When they say: “I think Vietnam’s economy will grow by 6.5% for the second quarter of 2012,” as another expat, you have keep your mouth shut and accept this as fact. Okay, maybe I’m over-exaggerating a little bit, but I think you understand why this title is so important, or it might just be in my head...

Thus, with the first showers of March, only an “amateur” expat (who has lived here for less than two rainy seasons) will utter the prophetic words of “looks like the rainy season has started”. The old-timers (foreigners who have lived here for ten years or more) will scoff at these greenhorn predictions, these young 'uns who think they know it all. They will throw knowing glances at each other. This is because old-timers know that there are at least five or six big showers in March before one can actually say the rainy season has started, even a tropical storm won't throw them off!

Oh, and god forbid those partaking in this unspoken challenge actually ask advice from the locals who have lived here all their life and know the weather like the palm of their hand. This is considered cheating in this game of one-upmanship. You have to state your prediction based solely on your own shrewd observations,  using science, experience and whatever other talismanic trick you have up your sleeve, such as a left ankle that starts twinging when the weather turns or an itchy ear. My grandmother used to start sneezing uncontrollably just before a big thunderstorm. That kind of thing. 

So how do you actually win this game and become the most knowledgeable and well-respected expat of the season? Once you say the words: “The rainy season is here” (beware, there will be groans and moans from others) the unspoken rules state that for you to be declared the winner: (1) it has to rain consistently for at least three days and three nights (2) all major and minor roads need to be flooded under at least three feet of water for said period of time (3) you must know (and be able to produce) at least four people whose motorbikes broke down from flooded engines (4) you must show photo evidence of an intrusion of cockroaches taking over your house.  Then, and only then, will you be crowned winner. 

You are then allowed to bask in your glory (or at least drip in your wet triumph), until late October when the rain slows down and a new game begins: the game of who can predict the end of the rainy season correctly, which is when it all starts again…

Written for Doanh Nhân Sài Gòn - March 2012

Writing column articles for Doanh Nhân Sài Gòn

Over the next few months I've decided to publish some of the column articles I've written for Doanh Nhân Sài Gòn (Saigon Entrepreneurs Weekly Edition). These are bi-weekly articles for a column called Một góc nhìn khác (From a different perspective) where I give an expats perspective on life in Saigon. I was introduced to DNSG by Jon Hoff, who passed the writing baton (read: responsibility to produce a piece every two weeks) on to me. I in turn, have tried to ease the writing load by getting my mate and colleague Mark Jones involved, as he is married to a Vietnamese girl and has a baby here - meaning he can provide a much embedded view on cultural differences than myself. 

I write it in English and it's then translated into Vietnamese, so bear in mind that the writing is slightly simplified as a lot of nuance gets lost in translation. Nevertheless, I always appreciate feedback - in agreement and against.

Hopefully this can ease me back into some kind of blogging form. Check back later the week for the first article entitled We're not so different after all.

Spontaneous Prose

As time is the essential thorny bat that ends each day with a solid thwack, and a training course of monstrous proportions (and slippery contortions) attempts to envelope and bear-hug the life out of any sense of belonging and individuality left to embrace with my Freudian self, I shall attempt a short, yet thoroughly encompassing literary review of my secret idea-words based on Jack Kerouac’s 30 essentials to spontaneous prose. And, as that stealer of seconds’ padded flops echo throughout the hallways, I shall cut 30, as an inate cynic of Guiga, to 18, being a natural number.

1.Conglomerates – they’ll stifle it, so hide them in the closet, under the silky Christmas boxers
2. Steal words, but take them out of context
3. Congregate essentially with like ilk, drink, be merry and then meet the others you can’t handle sober
4. Source things from underneath things. Those pennies you find under the couch aren’t the only flubbertucks around
5. Lack of vitamins can lead to definitive prose and lying through your teeth but not necessarily in that order
6. Sixteen may be more than is warranted, given the current economic flibbergy
7. Keep you mind cocked, you never know when the wordthief might attempt a sneaky Pete at your grey jewellery
8. Puddles are made to splash
9. Don’t let the suede suck you in and lure you away from the hard-bottomed seat of tick tick tick, bang – fireworks; you’ve got it
10. Say it ain’t so, then explain why, with as much conviction as possible even if you don’t necessarily believe that conviction starts with a you
11. Close your eyes, open your ears, hold your breath and listen deeply
12. Wake with the swan of your soul fluttering the sparkles from its dewy back
13. Love it
14. Read and feed and nourish within
15. Stand up, stretch, and remember that coherence is the others’ problem
16. Sixteen might be too few when 15 gets itchy
17. Control and be controlled by the little mites that mold clay and rubber but trickle down your arms in spurts to drip onto pages
18. And alas, once plagiarised, attempt never to get drunk outside your own house

Portmanteau, Easter and the Jabberwocky

*I interrupt this April photoblog to bring you a little insight into how my brain works...sometimes when it's working*

Sir John Tenniel's March Hare and Mad Hatter

I've been reading all these blog posts about Easter while I'm up to my Adam's Apple in work, and supposed to be researching and writing a story for the International Kite Festival which took place in Vung Tau two weeks ago. Easter, by the way, is sort of a non-event in terms of commercialism in Vietnam. I do miss all the chocolate bunnies and such, but I appreciate not being bombarded with Easter madness sales at the shops. Secondly, I'm busy reading Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll (which incidentally features a bunny who dabbles in madness) and just got to the part where Alice is talking to Humpty Dumpty and he's explaining the meaning of the poem Jabberwocky by means of portmanteau - using two words to make a new one. For example, slithy = lithe and slimy and mimsy = flimsy and miserable.

So all these random facts and things collide in my brain and I've just figured out that if I were to eat liquer-filled Easter eggs until I pass out and the next day I had a hangover, it would be...wait for it...Passover.

Any new portmanteaus anyone?

The sad state of affairs

Many of my friends back home, especially those who studied journalism with me, often ask me why I’m first and foremost a teacher and not plying my intended trade full-time. What they don’t realise is that being a foreign journalist in Vietnam is far from lucrative and, unless you’re an editor (possibly deputy-editor), you’re probably in need of an alternative source of income. Nowhere in the world is the industry a well-paid one. Rewarding? One of the most. Able to retire at the age of forty? Erm…think again.

You can’t really work as a “part-time” or freelance newspaper journo in Vietnam, and full-time pays an obscenely small amount, so your options are limited to online media, magazines and the occasional guidebook, as there is no domestic English radio station. The infrastructure and support for English freelance journalists is non-existent; no development training programmes, fellowships or anything of that sort, so you’re flying solo here.

Thus, for example’s sake, let’s say you work for magazines – and trust me the plural is necessary as just working for one will see you sleeping in the gutter begging for banh mi crumbs in no time. This is unfortunately out of most editors’ hands as English magazines are usually distributed freely to businesses, hotels and restaurants around the country, relying heavily on advertising and publicity (I know this last part is by no means a localised feature of the magazine media industry). The publications in Vietnam include The Word, AsiaLife (previously Saigon InsideOut), East & West, Pathfinder, The Guide, and some English in-flight magazines like Heritage, the majority of whom I’ve worked with at some time or another.

Payment is either per word, per published page or per article. An average magazine per-word story pays between 500 Vietnam Dong (VND) and VND2000 per published word (note, it might get edited to shit and shreds). An average per-page story gets you VND300 000 to VND500 000 and a 2000-word feature article between VND700 000 and VND2 million. Okay, so US$1 is about VND17 000 (or R10.50 for the Saffas). The majority of magazines work on the per-word basis, so let’s make our calculations according to this payment method.

For me, writing a thousand word article normally requires approximately 3-4 hours of research and 3-4 hours of drafting, writing and editing. So that equals about 6-8 hours of work for an average of VND1 million (or about $60). This doesn’t even include my own travel, accommodation and food/drink expenses when I’m writing restaurant reviews or need to travel out of town - I'm not a fan of chequebook journalism. Some publications do make allowances up to a certain (pitiful) amount for these expenses, but by no means all of them.

Let’s put this in perspective. I teach on average about 24 hours a week. Add about 6 hours of preparation time and that makes a total of about 30 hours a week. To make writing articles what I make teaching in a week, I’d have to churn out ten 1000-word articles a week, which equates to between 60 and 80 hours of work a week.

Now, I don’t know about the rest of you and call me lazy, but I’m not so sure I’m willing to spend two-thirds of my 120 hours a week working as I need at least 40 hours of sleep in order not to maim or kill anyone with my violent whirlwind of bad moods caused by sleep deprivation. It is a truly sad state of affairs. I’m not asking for millions – well actually I am if you’re counting in VN Dong – just enough to get by! Thus, my heartfelt plea to those paying the salaries in the media industry in Vietnam: Pay us more and don’t mess with my sleep, trust me, it doesn’t pay.

6- word stories

A couple of year ago (has it really been that long?!) I posted about some famous sci-fi and fantasy novelists writing 6-word stories ala Ernest Hemingway’s famous 6-word story. A couple of weeks ago, a Swedish friend Henrik and I decided to try our hand at it again (at four in the morning). Here are some of the results. Once again, I’d love if you were to add some of your own – last time there were some rubies in the dust.

Vacancy: World leader. No qualifications required.

Capitalist seeks happiness. Will sell wife.

Angry axe needed. Heads will roll.

Seeking choir boy. Good voice unnecessary.

Party in jungle. Shrunk my head.

Indian binge. Curry will return…Viciously.

Door would not open. Tried windoooooooow…

He tortured her thoroughly. Good wage.

Shapeshifter seeks mate. Come as yourself.

Son of god seeks gullible partner.

Employ me.

Jobs, you gotta hate them – it’s in the contract. Show me someone who truly loves his job and I’ll show you a madman, an idiot or the luckiest summumabitch alive. The only thing that sucks more than your job is losing it. And that’s sorta what happened to me. Well, not really, because it wasn’t really my full-time (well as full time as the teaching industry be) job, it was in my field of interest I wish to possibly pursue as a career, but it wasn’t the one bringing in the Benjamins, or I guess what we in Vietnam call the Ho’s. Yet, even though it was my sideline “keeping my CV up-to-date” kinda job, it still sucked when I got this email from, first the editor giving me the heads up that she’s moving over to a rival magazine, and then the disastrous, email from the boss over in New Zealand citing various business schmizness terms like “economic downturn” etc as the cause for the sudden fall of the magazine. At least, the guidebook some of us VN bloggers having been sweating on has finally arrived. Anyways, anyone got a job where you get paid per word for transferring nonsensical thoughts into nonsense words?

Like a worm

I saw some people blogging recently about the books they’ve read (Linka, Brian and especially Marissa who seems to read at a rate of knots) so I decided to try it as well.

Here’s a list of some the books I’ve read in the last few months ranked according to content and readability.

1) Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrel by Susanna Clarke

Awesome reading. Clarke’s 19th Century writing style lends the novel such weight and credibility you feel like you’re reading a historical biography of English magic.

2) Imperial Ambitions by Noam Chomsky

Interesting information that you can gobble up in a day or two and impress your witless friends with.

3) The Kandy-Kolored Tangerine-Flake Streamline Baby by Tom Wolfe

Classic Wolfe as only he can man - mind-blowingly detailed description of the who’s who and what’s what of middle-of-last-century America.

4) The Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac

Killer Kerouac – drinking, backpacking and philosophising across America’s West Coast in the 50s and 60s.

5) Wilt on High by Tom Sharpe

The follow-up to Wilt, Sharpe is damn funny as always.

6) Coldsleep Lullaby by Andrew Brown

Attorney-turned writer Brown’s attempt at a psycholical whodunit set dually in modern and historical Stellenbosch is good, but I think it lacks impetus.

7) The Triumph of the Sun by Wilbur Smith

Set in 19th Century Khartoum, the novel is good but lacks the cutting edge adventure of, say, Monsoon.

8) The Romantic Movement by Alain de Botton

An interesting attempt at analysing and categorising relationships, but lacks substance and warmth. I think it's too Prousty and would do better in a Philosophy 201 "Deconstruction" class .

Currently reading:

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer

Very interesting personal post 9/11 fictional attempt, but I’m not a big fan of this conscious streaming writing style

Sometimes a Great Notion by Ken Kesey

Looks like classic Kesey so far, will have to wait and see…

The 6-word story

Those of you who know me, know that I'm quite into fantasy novels, so it was cool when Wired Magazine asked 33 horror, sci-fi and fantasy writers as well as five designers to write 6-word science fiction stories. This was first made famous by Ernest Hemingway who said his 6-word story was one of the best pieces of writing he had ever written:

This is Hemingway's: For Sale: Baby shoes, never worn.

Here are some of my favourites:

Orson Scott Card: The baby's blood type? Human, mostly.

Stephen R. Donaldson: Don't marry her. Buy a house.

Ursula K. Le Guin: Easy. Just touch the match to

Brian Herbert: Epitaph: He shouldn't have fed it.

Some of them are quite thought-provoking and I never knew social and political commentary could punch so hard with 6-words. It's the literary equivalent of Bruce Lee's One Inch Punch.
For example, Richard K. Morgan's: K.I.A. Baghdad, Aged 18 - Closed Casket

I dare you guys to try some and post them in the comments. I'll get the ball rolling.

He said it would last. Longer.